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| History of poor plumbing gets personal |
2-Nov-2005 |
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By Dr David Whitten
I HAVE always had trouble with plumbing. Back in the days when I was a medical student, I used to live in rather insalubrious accommodation. I recall one particular flat in Coogee in Sydney. The shower suffered from a chronic lack of water pressure. A trickle at the best of times, the ‘flow’ turned into a series of random drips if someone simultaneously turned on the kitchen tap. We called a plumber, whose considered advice was “Move”.
After graduating, I could afford something a little nicer. I moved to a rather large 1920s apartment. However, the plumbing was in its original condition. While the water pressure was reasonable, a terrible noise occurred whenever a tap was turned off, and was both heard and felt throughout the building. I discussed the problem with a plumber who gave the landlord a quote to fix it. On reading the quote, the landlord developed chest pains and the matter was never discussed again.
Finally I tired of old houses, and decided to build a new one. Even then, the plumbing caused me the greatest headache. With the house near to completion, a pipe burst in a wall cavity, the result of defective workmanship. The subsequent flooding rapidly turned 200m2 of rose gum timber flooring into a mass of buckled boards.
Why am I mentioning my long-running plumbing problems? Well, the truth is, it seems to be thematic. When the focus of my concerns recently changed from my housing to my health, it was no surprise that this, too, related to plumbing.
Fortunately, my condition does not appear to be terminal. Still, to reach this conclusion, I had to spend 30 fun-filled minutes with a urologist. After taking my history, the doctor admitted he was a fan of this column and proceeded to tell me his latest joke. The joke wasn’t bad, but a bit long for the back page.
All jokes aside, the urologist assumed a suitably professional manner and informed me of the need for a certain physical examination. I mightn’t know a lot about urology, but I was well aware the two letters he mentioned did not stand for public relations.
Still, I took the news like a man. I told the specialist that after years of using tales about this procedure as fodder for stories in my column, it was only fair I should experience the indignity myself.
As I ‘assumed the position’, I felt the need to make a few quips, and try to let humour preserve what was my left of my dignity. However, it was clear the urologist anticipated my thoughts, and to avoid hearing such jokes for the 10,000th time, he distracted me with a serious tone of voice. He informed me the examination might result in the accidental occurrence of two bodily functions. He then added, by way of warning: “And of course, Dr Whitten, you will do neither.”
Anyway, such was my concentration, to ensure I complied with his request, that all thoughts of humour went out of my head. I focused, instead, on a small paint defect in the wall, just two centimetres from my nose.
Still, I must say this plumbing experience was far less traumatic than any I had encountered in relation to my accommodation or building.
It gave me cause to wonder if plumbers really can justify the prices they charge. It also reminded me of a joke, which goes something like this.
A plumber spent two minutes fixing a leaking tap at a surgeon’s rooms. He then handed the doctor a bill for $200.The surgeon protested: “I don’t charge this much and I’m a surgeon!”
The plumber replied: “I know. I didn’t either when I was a surgeon.”
TWISTED WEBS WE WEAVE
Dr Mark Peterson, of Glenelg, SA, reminds us that while people may spend a lot of time thinking of what to name their children, they don’t always think as hard about the name of their internet domain.
Dr Peterson suggests that it might help to actually write out and read your web address before you register it.
The following domains are real (go on, check them!)
We note the address of Who Represents, a database for agencies to the rich and famous: www.whorepresents.com
We next see the Experts Exchange, a knowledge base where programmers can exchange advice and views: www.expertsexchange.com
Looking for a pen? Look no further than Pen Island: www.penisland.net
Need a therapist? Try www.therapistfinder.com
Finally, in my own beloved state of NSW, we have the Mole Station Native Nursery at www.molestationnursery.com
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